Wednesday, January 28, 2009

Fat Ass?

I recently re-connected with an old friend. We had stopped talking initially, as I recall, because I had said something foolish, or cruel, perhaps both. We decided to let bygones be bygones and to remain friends. This gets me thinking though, about an argument that I had some years ago with an ex-girlfriend. Gets me thinking about the things we say when we’re mad, and why we say them.

During the beginning of the relationship she adored me (isn’t this always the case in the beginning?) She told me how handsome she thought I was. I reciprocated the sentiment and we would spend hours staring into each others eyes. I know this is getting sappy but bear with me. I’m reaching a point, sort of.

Towards the end of the relationship things changed (don’t they always change towards the end?) We were having a little tiff about something or other and, out of God’s own, wide clear blue sky, she hollers out:

“Fat Ass!”

The argument was not a severe one. Certainly we had not reached the point of name calling. Yet she drew first blood. And boy what a stinger! I had been working out, mind you. She met me initially, a little heavy. She knew me about the time I first drafted “Making Gains” down the page a bit. But I had dropped some weight during our relationship and was sporting a pretty decent build. Had she been harboring this sentiment for over 2 years? I’m not a bright man, so you can imagine that I was confused; a little lost.

“Fat Ass?” I questioned. “What is that? I mean, I don’t even get where… What are you trying to… fat ass?

She could have called me insensitive, or crude, or any number of things. “Jerk” comes to mind. But FAT (space) ASS? My girlfriend was a smallish woman; petite and attractive. She was lucky to be 5 foot even. Weighed maybe 100 pounds. Still, I had to say something:

“Midget!” I hollered back.

She laughed out loud. It was the beginning of the making up, for the time being anyway. I had caught her in a senseless act and I responded appropriately, I thought, given the circumstances ;)

{There is a better ending to this little piece. I just can't find it yet!}


  1. Hilarious! I can't even wrap my head around any woman calling a man "fat ass," much less in seriousness, so you must really have an incredibly large ass, or this the woman in question is very peculiar indeed. Thanks for making me laugh. [So sorry it was at your expense.]

  2. I am just laughing, laughing, laughing!! Thanks for writing to brutally honestly about this I can tell Im going to enjoy having you in my twitter stream! @TiaSparkles

  3. Hahah omg when I read that you called her a midget it killed me. Hysterical!!

  4. Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha. Great comeback. Midget!

  5. In that moment she obviously saw the absurdity of her own word choice, unfortunately that isn't always the case and a lot of times hurting the ones we love is the result.

  6. Great story and well written! Thanks for the laugh this morning. You just keep lovin your body no matter what shape it's in. After all, it's the vehicle that allows you to write these great stories that make our lives a little better!

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